We then say goodbye for the next 36 hours to our Everyday Loves, and race down to the hotel, not having a clue as to who will be waiting for us on the other side of that door. After our time spent with our "Christmas present" -- of which at least some must be recorded, to prove that we actually participated -- we head back home and do not mention a word of it to anyone until the following week.
Then on New Year's Eve, while everyone else is out bringing in the New Year, the four of us couples get together at one of our homes and watch the videos. We laugh and get embarrassed and we tease and of course, we get extremely aroused by everything we see. And then after that, we don't mention it again. Except to your Everyday Love, you are not permitted to say a word to anyone else about it ever again. I cannot even begin to describe the rush of pure adrenaline you feel from the moment you get that little envelope in your hand and feel the keycard sliding back and forth inside.
It could be any one of my best girlfriend's husbands; or even more electrifying, one of my best girlfriends themselves! I get wet just writing this down and explaining it for you. That first year, I must say, was one of the most exhilarating experiences in my life! The eight of us ate dinner at Karen and Spence's house; none of us acting all that much different than any other year when we all got together.
That is, until the table was cleared and everyone was sitting in the family room watching the fire and sipping our drinks. It got very quiet all of a sudden and everyone was just looking at each other. My husband Doug had his arm around me on the couch, pressing his fingers into my breast secretively, while I had my shoes off and my feet tucked under me as I snuggled into him.
The others were in similar romantic poses, with Gina and Gary on the floor by the Christmas tree, lying in a very suggestive spoon position with him behind her stroking her long hair.
And Spencer was sitting on the floor right to the side of my husband and me, with his wife Karen sitting behind him on the couch, rubbing his shoulders and neck or kissing the top of his head from time to time. I don't know about everyone else, but I'm ready for my present.
And like, now! Although I did see her reach back and touch her husband's smoothly shaved head immediately after. We all laughed nervously and someone shouted over the din, "Way to get things moving, G! She proceeded to lay out eight identical green envelopes with little red bows on them. All of us girls had examined them when we had arrived; all of us staring at them as if they were too taboo to even be in the same room with.
Karen and I had gone and checked in at the four motels in advance and returned with the two sets of keys. And then we placed the keys and a hotel lobby card into each envelope and sealed them before the others arrived, making certain that no distinguishing marks could be seen. So now, the way this would be done is to have each husband get up first and pick an envelope that he would give to his wife as her gift. I took my envelope from Doug and was surprised to see my hand shaking as I returned it to my lap.
He leaned down and kissed me softly on the lips, smiling and winking before settling down in his seat again. Now it was the wives' turn to return the favor. So the four of us went over to the table Gina actually crawled on all fours in those tight slacks of hers, causing all of our husbands to stare and grabbed the last of the envelopes before returning them to our men.
Doug just looked me in the eyes the whole time and then leaned on one side to stuff the envelope in his back pocket without even glancing at it. I hurried over to my purse by the door and slid mine into the zipper, all safe and sound while others hid their's away in similar fashion. Well, after that, the evening was just a dud.
None of us could concentrate and after finding ourselves staring off into space and just sipping our drinks for the longest time, we all decided to just head home. Doug and I couldn't help it.
We fucked like rabbits almost the moment we got in the door. It was fast and furious and noisier than I'd remembered us being in months. We took turns whispering the names of our friends in each other's ears as we moved beneath the sheets, laughing softly and sighing as we pictured not our Everyday Love but instead someone entirely new. I came when he whispered, "Spence is going to make you come all over his big cock," right in my ear. He had saved him for last, knowing me so well.
And after I realized he was watching me eagerly through my entire little shameful display, I tossed back at him, "Fucking Gina's tight little ass from behind now!
He immediately apologized and looked down at me for reassurance. And I just smiled back at the face I'd loved for twenty-five years and squeezed him tight inside me.
I still associate all porn with those feelings, which is probably why I don't like it anymore. By being exposed to so much porn, Marvin eventually started seeing the man behind the curtain. And once he threw that pervert out of the theater, he also noticed that porn is kind of depressing behind the scenes. The illusion is lost on me.
That girl in the movie is paying bills. Most of the time, her vagina isn't wet.
So much porn with dry vaginas! And no one cares. It's fake. It's like wrestling.
Imagine how much time that frees up for Marvin! He could cure cancer. Or start playing Minecraft. Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist, interviewer, and editor. Contact him at c. Have a story to share with Cracked?
In the meantime, there's your hand. Sign Up With Email. Maxim Cover Girl. I fold the note you most recently gave me and slide it into the box with the others. I was surprised by how people reacted to "Like a Virgin" because when I did that song, to me, I was singing about how something made me feel a certain way—brand-new and fresh—and everyone interpreted it as "I don't want to be a virgin anymore. Cliff Street Books. The sexual problems are likely just symptoms of a larger communication problem, or distance, or other issue I couldn't possibly know.
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